Motion Picture (Trailer) Review: Dr. Seuss' The Lorax

My absolute FAVORITE Dr. Seuss book has and always will be The Lorax. From the moment I first read it, I have known this to be a cautionary tale of greed, with all the delights only Dr. Seuss could offer. Now it has been adapted into a motion picture (as I always thought it could be. The very premise of the story is the conservation of natural resources, a subject so prevalent in our society). According to the trailer, the movie follows relatively close to the text itelf, yet somehow I find it lacking. Maybe it's the cheap comedy it tries to squeeze out in order to please mainstream audiences (who have almost certainly never even heard of the book).

Maybe it's the saccarine tones of Zac Efron's voice that I believe will come up short in communicating the direness of the situation. Or maybe it's because they're about to destroy the only thing from my childhood that has not yet been pillaged by Hollywood. In any case, I will almost certainly still see the motion picture adaption of my beloved Lorax...if only for the chance to write another scathing review of its content.

Because Maturity is My Middle Name

I read this thing on some site about men's and women's top celebrities they'd want to bang. Being the gutter-minded individual I am, I started thinking about who i'd want. Without further adieu, here it is in no particular order...my Bang List:

1. David Bowie (Circa 1986. The "Labyrinth" era)

2. Johnny Depp (ESPECIALLY in Secret Window...but of course everything else as well)

3. Robert Downey, Jr.

4. Andre Ethier (Bats lefty...why do you think I prefer sitting on the first base line? ;) Haha)

5. David Duchovny (In Californication)

6. Michael C. Hall

7. Mike Rowe

8. Simon Pegg

9. David Henrie

10. Ewan McGregor

11. Jon Bon Jovi

12. Anthony Bourdain

13. Joaquin Phoenix (Circa Gladiator, Signs or The Village)

14. Demetri Martin

15. Billy Boyd

16. Tobey Maguire (Circa Spiderman 1, Spiderman discovery scene)

17. Hugo Weaving (Yeah, yeah...get the nerd jokes out now)

18. Adrian Grenier

19. George Clooney (Circa Oh Brother, Where Art Thou)

20. Taylor Lautner (When i'm drunk)

Why yes, I DO have a thing for older men. What's your top 20?

Dude, Where’s My Keys?

It all happened this morning after I hung out with my friend Katrina and my brother Allen. (Names have been changed to protect the embarrassed). Anyway, onto the story. I passed out early while my friend and brother stayed up and talked (and by talked I mean random drunken slurring). I awoke this morning at 5:30 am lying on my purse, smashed against the wood-paneled wall of Katrina’s living room. In a dizzy (and quite possibly still drunken) stupor, I headed for the restroom. Once out, I gathered my belongings and tried to head home to get some sleep in my own bed.

...my keys were nowhere to be found…

I searched in vain for 20 minutes in the dark, with only a small light to illuminate my path, before trying to wake Katrina. No such luck. I shook her violently, said her name over and over, and even brought in a herd of wild elephants, but to no avail. The good news was that I could turn on the lights and also not have to be so quiet. The bad news is that she couldn’t tell me if she knew where my keys were. I continued searching in all places you would think it’s a good idea to put a set of keys while intoxicated (the microwave, the shower, the ficus, etc.).

…40 minutes later…

I’d been searching for my keys for an hour and she only lives two miles or so from my house, so I decided, “Screw it, I’m walking.” Last night I was just going to my friend’s house, so I wore flip flops and my pajamas there. I had also taken a bunch of typical sleepover things in a big bag…heavy things…but no change of clothes. Anyone who has had alcohol knows that when you sober up, you are very thirsty. Katrina had given me a red plastic “party cup” the night before, so I was drinking water out of that while I searched for my missing keys. I refilled my cup…and set off on my journey home.

So at this point it is 40 degrees, I am walking home on a very busy street in red Mutts pajama pants, flip flops and a trench coat while carrying a red plastic “party cup” and a large duffel bag. I wouldn’t have looked more suspicious if I were walking sideways down the middle of the street while lighting a crack pipe. People actually slowed their cars to stare at the crazy girl.

I FINALLY make it home after walking 2 miles (have you ever tried walking that far in flip flops and thin pajama pants at 6:30 am while it’s 40 degrees? I don’t recommend it). This is when I realize…I have no house keys. They’re on the same key ring as my truck keys.

It’s about 7:00 am now and I’m exhausted, hung-over and FREEZING. I’m sick and I’m sure this could not have helped matters. I dropped my bag on the doorstep and sat down in defeat. That’s when I remembered Eric telling me a few weeks ago of a hidden key somewhere in the yard!

...but where?

My husband is at work without his phone…of course. Why does he even have that phone, I can never get ahold of him when I need him! …but I digress. I finally find the key taped under a rooster’s butt in the garden and let myself in. I get in socks, a long sleeve shirt, and get under 3 blankets, but I am still shivering hard. I finally realize there’s a reason we have a heater and turn it on. Comfortable at last.

Best part? Needing some sympathy and/or some “kiss and make it betters,” I told my husband my tale of woe when he returned from work. …he got mad at me for making my cold worse.

Moral of the Story: Stay in school.

My Cold vs. Me

Head Cold – Day 1: Woke up with HALF a sore throat in the left side. WEIRD.

Head Cold – Day 2: Half of my nose is stuffed up, the other half is runny. This could be a rough night.

Head Cold – Day 3: Haven’t slept since before Day 1. Feeling like I’m high. Not that I’ve…ever…tried that… Hi mom!

Head Cold – Day 4: Sleep deprived. Starting to hallucinate. Have to go to a “Grape Festival” tonight. Could be fun…if the aforementioned grapes are in a very strong wine.

Head Cold – Day 5: Been through 3 giant boxes of tissues with the flurry of snotty rage leaving my nose. Visited my grandma. She didn’t have anything to help, as she doesn’t get sick very often. At this point, my 88 year old grandmother is much healthier than I.

…and I'm so upset that I had to be woken up from a sound sleep for NO REASON other than the fact that I'm driving...

Head Cold - Day 6: Been waking the whole neighborhood with my coughing. Experiment of not taking any medications is failing. Haven’t slept in 6 days…with the exception of the “driving incident.” Does anyone have NyQuil, Theraflu Cold…or a good, swift kick in the head to knock me out? …anyone???

Head Cold – Day 7: For the love of all that is holy, please don’t let there be a Day 7…

EDIT: Head Cold - Almost Day 7: I can no longer hear (very well) out of either ear. This just gets better and better...

Head Cold - Day 8: Ears are still plugged, nose is still a faucet of snot, throat is still itchy and cough-inducing. Oh, Happy Day!

Head Cold - Almost Day 9: I think I have Swine Flu.

Head Cold - Almost Day 10: As Day 10 approaches, I can't help wondering...Can you get an aneurysm from blowing your nose too much? Because at this point, I kind of hope so...

Email To My Friends In Nebraska

I have a random and rather silly request. You know the Lay's Brand "Pickle Chips" you have there? They're potato chips that taste like pickle slices. You can get them in any HyVee, Walgreens or gas station there. Well, we don't have them here in California so everytime I visit there or my family visits me here they bring me a few reinforcement bags.


Well anyway, I just finished my last chip and am now going through withdrawals worthy of hospitalization. I was wondering if anyone could send me a couple bags to get me through until I come to visit hopefully in December.

Two should be sufficient, as I try to eat them sparingly because they're much more of a delicacy to me than any French pastry or imported Italian cheese.

Please let me know what you can do, and thank you in advance!

- Stevie

Are We There Yet?

In my travels over the years, I’ve stayed in many Hotels, Motels and Inns. This is a short guide to where NOT to stay, what to look for, and what to do to improve your stay if you’ve been suckered into staying at a crappy second rate hotel.

First, if you want to get a better rate, online is usually the best way to go. Try to get the second or third cheapest so you don’t end up like the people in horror movies who think, “This place is just too good to be true!” I know that room for $37 SOUNDS like a deal, but what seems too good to be true usually is.

Second, Make sure you ask them to look at the room before you pay for it, (if you have not booked online first). This is especially true when stopping in “shady” places. If the alarm clock is nailed to the desk, run! …before you say that it’s not possible to nail an alarm clock to a desk, I have personally experienced this. I stayed in a hotel in Sylmar, California with that exact issue.

In one particular town in Oklahoma, (which couldn’t have had any more than 1,000 people), lay one of the scariest Motel 6’s I’ve ever stayed at in my life. There was an electronic beeping coming from under the bed all night, (and BELIEVE you me, I slept with my clothes on), what I’m sure were rats or cockroaches scurrying up and down in the walls, and people standing outside my door at 3:45 am talking loudly about “the people in 243” (MY room number). Being very early in the morning, and after a 14 hour day on the road, I was convinced that they were going to burst in any moment and perform unspeakable acts to us. I SWEAR I didn’t think I was going to live through the night. …but at least they had a good continental breakfast.

At the Portofino Inn by Disneyland in Anaheim, California, they promised a large, one bedroom suite for $169. With my laziness and lack of planning, we ended up being AT Disneyland and needing a place to stay, so this sounded like a dream come true. WRONG! I’ve seen bigger dorm rooms than this “suite.” The “living room” area was separated from the “bedroom” by a 60s patterned curtain pulled across a track in the ceiling. Bonus: There was no screen in the LARGE window I wanted to sit on and we were on the top floor. They should probably look into that, as I very nearly threw myself out the window for getting tricked into paying that much for this piece of crap room.

Third, do not pay extra for a hotel just because it has a pool or weight room. Chances are that whenever you get back from the days activities or if you’ve been traveling all day, you’re just going to want to crash in the room and take advantage of the cable and “free” wireless access. I stayed at the Hilton in Albuquerque, New Mexico and the next day at the Hilton in Denver, Colorado thinking I’d use both of these features. I passed out asleep for 11 hours straight both times…right up until checkout. Bye bye, $438!

Fourth, make sure you find out about late checkout times. You don’t want to be stuck paying for another day for the simple fact that you’re getting your things together and are 15 minutes over the checkout time. Most hotels offer a checkout time that is an hour later than what’s posted. This is essential after a night of hardcore partying. Um...I mean watching wholesome movies on cable TV.

Fifth, NEVER sleep on, sit on or touch the comforter with bare skin. Period.

Sixth, when staying at the more expensive hotels *cough* Hilton *cough* make sure you LOOK AT THE ROOM FIRST to determine if it’s worth it. I stayed at the Hilton Anaheim, right outside of Disneyland, on the top floor, or “executive level” and was told that there was an incredible view of the Disneyland fireworks from our room. We got there and guess what? We were on the OTHER side of the hotel. Obviously, we were upset and called the front desk. They didn’t have any rooms facing Disneyland on that floor, but they DID have one a few floors lower, and said that they would still let us have access to the Executive Lounge. Alright, fine.

We moved to the lower floor, saw the fireworks, Ooo’d and Ahhh’d, then went to bed at 3:45 am. At 7:00 am there came a knock at the door. It was the maid. After telling her what should have been an obvious fact that we were still IN the room, she left. Then we got a call from the front desk asking what we were doing in there…um, sleeping? Next came the security knocking at the door, telling us that we are not registered in this room. After explaining last night’s situation, the security guard left. This was followed by a call from the front desk. After explaining last night’s situation AGAIN, I was told they’d, “Call right back.” They had to call the woman who was working check-in last night and figure out what had happened. It turns out that she had moved us and given us a key to the new room, but had not told anyone about the change or enter our new room in the computer. We got 4 hours of sleep, had a lot of frustration and have not stayed in a Hilton since.

Another instance of this was my first time in New York City at the Ritz-Carlton New York, Central Park division. We were staying on the top floor of this very posh hotel, and were told that we would have a breathtaking view of Central Park. We got to our floor bursting with excitement and just about ran to the room. This is when we discovered that our room was on the OPPOSITE side of the hotel, with a breathtaking view of some building instead of Central Park. Talk about disappointing. A few days later when we checked out, I realized that I had left my favorite stuffed animal (which my friend had given to me when I was in the hospital going in for surgery to help ease my fear) in the room. We went back in and asked to go back up to the room to search. We did, and searched every inch of the room, but we had no luck. This means that in the half an hour it took me to realize it was gone, someone had found it had taken it. I hope someone’s kid was very happy…

Seventh, hotel staff take note: YOU can be the reason people choose to return or never return to your hotel. For instance, I was staying at The Venetian hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada after having just gotten married. We were on our way up to our suite and walked right past the front desk and security. Later, after changing out of my wedding dress and his tuxedo into “street clothes,” we had to go outside to retrieve my phone from the driver of the cab I left my phone in the previous night. When coming back in, the front desk AND the security stopped us to check our room key, because we “didn’t look like we belonged there.” Long story short, wear a wedding dress and you can get into the suites at The Venetian.

Another instance of staff rudeness/incompetence was last month, when I stayed at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas, Nevada. There was a LOT of construction clogging the streets, and when we FINALLY made it to Planet Hollywood, we discovered that the street we needed to turn on to get to our hotel was blocked off. We circled the block again and again trying to find a way to the parking structure. After 45 minutes and a whole lot of frustration, we ended up going through the Paris hotel’s parking to come out the other side by Planet Hollywood. Ya think you could have mentioned some of this, P.H.??? Anyway, when trying to figure out where to park to check in and get a bellhop to take our things to our room, we must have asked 6 people, and not ONCE did we get a clear answer. There were 7 of us there so a few had to split up and ask different people...who still did not give us an exact place to do this.

After FINALLY stumbling upon the correct place to park and get our things out of the car, (which, by the way, Valet was the only way to get our things taken up to the room, and being that there was 7 girls, we had a LOT of things) we went to check in. The line was practically out the door. We waited somewhat patiently for an hour. By the time we got up to the counter, our patience was wearing thin. We made reservations for two adjoining rooms with two beds each back in March, (we needed them for August) and were told that the rooms they have are one on the 17th floor and one on the 30th floor. Obviously we did not want to be 13 floors away from the rest of the party, so that was not going to work. We asked if they had any adjoining rooms. After about 15 solid minutes of typing and looking on her computer while the rest of us sighed, rolled our eyes, and cast death stares her way, she said they have two adjoining rooms. One had two beds, but the other only had one. At this point, we were all pretty much just FINISHED with all of this so I asked for a rollaway bed to be sent up and we took the adjoining rooms. Over the next few days the staff was rude and seemed irritated whenever we asked a question. Everything turned out alright in the end, and the rooms themselves were lovely. However, I will more than likely NOT be returning to Planet Hollywood for another stay.

Most recently, I was staying at The Oak Tree Inn in Monrovia, California. The staff was rude and the room was stuffy and cramped, but it DID have a refrigerator, which was an unexpected delight. I asked for 2 more cups to be sent up and was told, “You can sure come down and get some.” The next day, I called and got a later checkout time from a woman at the front desk so I could sleep a little longer. About half an hour later, the man from the front desk came up and knocked on the door. I said, “Yes?” and he OPENED the door with his keycard. …I was lying in bed naked after taking a shower while nursing a hangover. Thank GOODNESS I had the blanket and sheet pulled up, but they were under my arms so it was obvious that I at least had no shirt on. If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, he proceeded to try and have a conversation with me before my curt answers drove him away. A little while later, (at the posted checkout time), I got a call from the same woman I told I needed a later checkout time saying, “Staying another day?” I said, “No” and she said, “Oh, were you the one who called me asking for a later checkout time?” So much for that extra sleep…

After all this talk about terrible hotels, I thought I’d say that there ARE some good hotels out there, The Hotel Peppertree a couple miles away from Disneyland in Anaheim, California for example. It was $150 for two nights in a large hotel room with a FULL kitchen and very large, sliding, mirrored closet with a bureau. It was also across from a supermarket so you can stock that full kitchen, and there was a video rental place a couple blocks away that rented new movies for $1. They give complimentary DVD players to all the guests for use during your stay! They also have a Cantina and Mexican restaurant at the hotel from which you can order their delicious food and however many drinks you want that they let you take it back to your room, alcohol included.

Another awesome hotel was at the Morongo Indian Casino and Resort in Cabazon, California. We paid $70 for an absolutely incredible room, (and on a Friday night no less!) There was a VERY wide and tall windowsill I sat on a LOT, a sliding door into a very large bathroom with an amazing shower that had both a tiled seat in it and a large frosted glass window to the bedroom that glowed green with your silhouette. Very romantic if you go with your wife or husband, or very embarrassing if you go with your friends.

The Holiday Inn in Kansas City, Missouri was another wonderful hotel with very nice staff and beautiful rooms. It was within walking distance of the “Country Club Plaza” part of town which contained all of the restaurants and night life in very beautiful old buildings. It was also called the “City of Fountains” and they weren’t kidding!

I wish I could think of more hotels that I enjoyed, but it looks as if I am a magnet for bad hotel experiences. I hope this has been enlightening and I also hope that this guide will help you to never have any of this happen. May your travels be safe, fun, and bed-bug free. :)

Oh, California, How Could You?

As most of you who live in California know, it is now illegal to text or talk on the phone while driving. I have just a few tips for those of you who would like to continue in this idiotic, yet some would say necessary, habit. When I’m driving and I feel the urge to text slowly envelop me, here’s what I do to avoid getting nailed by the boys in blue (and I don’t mean our beloved Dodgers).

• Before the law was passed, I was able to keep my phone even with my view of the road so I could text while still keeping my eyes on the other idiots with phones. Now, I have to keep it low, which in turn forces me to look down, so it’s a LOT more dangerous to continue my unsafe road habits. 

• I have a truck, so keeping my phone lower than the windows is key. Cops have low cars so I can easily avoid detection. Frankly, I never understood why cops had such low cars (other than the obvious factor of speed) because if they had say, a monster truck like “Truck-A-Saurus” they could see inside everyone else’s cab and more easily give out their bogus tickets. I use the word “bogus” to keep it family friendly. Otherwise, I’d have a few choice words for them that would not be suitable for anyone under 21…or the elderly.

• When I see a cop, I automatically do what every Californian who values self-preservation would do; drop that phone like it’s the Spawn of the Devil and wave innocently at the cops, (who were no doubt handing someone else a horrendous ticket).

If any police officers are reading this, it was um…all just a joke…I ALWAYS follow ALL the laws…oh, and my name is Harriet. If not, my name is Stevie, and it’s been a pleasure.